Alright kiddies, it has been so long since we have done one of these let’s do a recap on the scoring because it is ultimately so important to the final outcome (not at all).
A Quickfire Win is one (1) point.
An Elimination Win is three (3) points.
Being in the Elimination Top Three/Four or member of Winning Team in a “team challenge” before Judge’s Table is worth one (1) point.
Being in the Bottom Three/Four before Judges’ Table is minus one (-1) point.
And out is just out, no (0) points, just gone, any previous points won remain.
So on to the show. In this week’s quickfire the constestants had to spin a slot machine and get descriptions to make a dish. Apparently these descriptions are pull-down options on cookstr.com. I went to cookstr.com and look who greeted me on the homepage. Really, is there anything this lady or this show won't do to promote synergy. And speaking of Padma, how about the Jolly Green Giant look this week. What was that, certainly unflattering pants. I don't think Michael Corrs would think that "any modern woman would want to wear that". But he is on Lifetime now and really, what modern woman wants to watch that channel. Speaking of the other show which we were not doing this season because it was taped years and years ago, back when Lindsay (my girl) Lohan was still relevant. I was at the book store the other day and saw this little gem on the new hard back table. I had to take a look so I opened it up and saw the words "Fierce, Fabulous, and Hot Tyranny Mess" repeated over and over again from the top of the page to the bottom, for 250 pages. Oprah Book Club look out.
Anyhow for the Quickfire, which was won by Kevin, who cooked Vietnamese food after drawing Spicy, Hairy and Asian from the Top Chef SlotMachine of Death. What makes Kevin's victory that much more amazing is that previous to today. Kevin had never eaten or worked with Vietnamese food, and didn't even know that Vietnam was a country in the South Pacific, (sigh) oh youth. So Hurrah for him. He was given the option of $15K or immunity, and of course took the money, taking it he said "who do i look like Robin? gimme that chip"
For the Elimination Challenge where cookstrs were to prepare a dinner party at their house for the judges and celeb-Chefs who are involved with the Macy.com charity of feeding a million people a year. Apparently from their advertising they are starting by feeding Usher, the Trumpster (at the kid's table (ha! humor)), and Jessica Simpson on the floor of their department stores. And thank god, someone is doing the lord's work and helping that Jessica Simpson out. Between the breakup with Tony Romo, her sister's lip-synching trainwreck of a singing career, and that Dukes of Hazzard movie, that girl is lucky she hasn't starved to death already.
Each Cookstr got a bag of goodies from a celeb-Chefstr and teams were formed via knife block. Michael I. got Robin, whom he thinks talks too much, and isn't dying fast enough from Cancer. Ash got paired up with Michael V., who he thinks is just such a "talented chef", and "so tough and cool", and "good looking" that he could just eat 'im up. Kevin and the incredible cook-bot Jennifer were teamed together. Jennifer was faking a cold earlier, so that everyone would think that she was human and not a cyborg cook-bot from planet Spatula. This amazing team of man and machine won the elimination easily, with JenBot 3000 winning the big prize of $15K giftcard from Macy, that's gonna buy alot of B-U-M Equipment, Enjoy.
On the other end Michael V. got sent to the chopping block. Which prompted his brother Bryan to get (can you believe it?) even more uptight, when people started talking about Michael's dish. "Did you try his dish? No! Then Shut Up?" But the dye had already been cast as Eli and Ashely had been tossing pinches of salt into their gnocchi all night, and then under cooking the Spot Prawns, which everyone knows are the "most exquiste, delicate, precious, gorgeous, and perfect ingredient on this or any other planet." And these two basically undercooked them so poorly, that they might as well have shoved them under thier armpits for half an hour and then put them on a plate with their salty gnocchi. So sadly Ashley was told to pack up her knives, load up that dark horse of hers and ride it back to Seattle's Branzino. Looks likes she's there already.
1. Marni and Heath: Kevin (2), Laurine(1): 3
2. Josh and Heather: Jennifer (3), Ash (-1): 2
3. Anne and David: Bryan V. (1), Robin: 1
4. Shawn and Jessica: Michael V. (-1), Michael I.:-1
5. Brandy and Julia: Eli (-1): -1
Hot: Kevin, such as much the lead-pipe cinch as Richard Blais, and Bald Stefan, and things worked out so good for them.
Strugg-El-Lean: Eli, could of and maybe should of gone home this one. Something tells me you were only kept around to "make good television" because you love cancer and hate puppies.
On Notice: Ash, here's some advice when you are participating in a contest with completely subjective judges don't go telling them that you're not as good as the next guy, no matter "how awesome" you think he is.