Thursday, October 15, 2009

Top Chef - Wine Pigs

Our episode begins as Michael V. doesn't want to talk about being on the bottom. Not only is Eli short, fat, wears glasses and is balding, but apparently he is also a virgin who lives with his mom. That way he doesn't "have to pay rent and shit" or talk to girls. Robin on the other hand does her yoga, and "lives in the moment".

On to the QUICKFIRE with Charlie Palmer, an American hero, who singlehandedly with his mustache saved American cuisine from fast food junk food culture abyss. So for the quickfire our heroes were to pair a dish with delicious gourmet Alexia Chips, available in the organic snack food isle at your local overpriced fancy pants grocery boutique.

Eli was the big winner, who paired delicious chips a clammy celery chowda.


Onto the Pig and Pinot Challenge. Knives were drawn to determine the cut of the pig. So lots of Butts, Shoulders, Cheeks, Bellies and Ribs to go around. Then it was off to the find the wine.

The cookster went to the spot with the wine angels at the Mandala. The wine angles are these ladies who travel up and down vertical wine cellar with ropes. This way one doesn't feel so bad about paying $100 for a $15 bottle of wine. I don't know how the order was devised but wines from New Zealand, France, Napa, Oregon, were selected but no Washington yah, wah, Kevin took the Oregon wine, saying he used to live in Portland, really dude, you could never tell.Laurine seemed a bit stumped from the onset, invoking the old Pork Industry slogan that pig is "the other white meat". Look lady, as a matter of fact it is not, it's a red blooded mammal, not some cold blooded chicken like some of your fellow cheftestants.

Then came the drama, back at the house. This is the first time since Maurcel got his hair cut way back in Season 2, that I can remember any drama at the house on this show. Usually it all takes place in the kitchen, stew room, or judges table. But Eli told Robin, what for and got all huffy when Robin gave him the ol "oh don't bother I cleaned this up". Eli went off and said "Your not my mom" because if you were I would move into your house and never ever leave. This left Robin all alone to say to the camera "I am glad I am not your mother because I would've raised you better". Somewhere Eli's mother is crying. Robin then gave my all time favorite reality show cliches "this is a competition I didn't come here to blah blah blah"

Off to the Pig and Pork feast which looked like it was held on an old pitch and putt course outside Vegas, but hey "it was the first event of the show, that wasn't just a challenge." They even had their own "Food & Wine" banner, the true sign of an "event". Kevin, aka Yukon Cornelius, was bound and determined to justify the pig he had tattooed on his ample arm. Mr. Palmer and his mustache was impressed. The other top cooksters were the Brothers Grim, and Jen-Cook-Bot 3000. Can we just pencil these four in now please?

On the bottom side was Ash, with his bland piece of meat, that even looked bland so you can imagine how it tasted. Robin who just can't get any love, even from people her own age. She didn't cut her pork thick enough, okay I'll say it "it wasn't porky enough" and Laurine who turned her cut of "the other white meat" into Fancy Feast, and any distinguished cat'll tell ya it is hard to pair Pinot with Friskies. But as I am sure Morris will atest Meow Mix has some flavor, something Ash's grub was severly lacking. So he was told to pack up and go. He said that he planned on inviting Mr. Mustache, Tom, and Toby but not Padma to his restraunt to try the dish he should've made. Ash has a personal thing against Padma (she's mean), and Toby expressed an appreciation for hairy armpits. No the limey has not grown on me. Where's Gail?...Gail!?


1. Marni and Heath: Kevin (5), Laurine: 5
2. Josh and Heather: Jennifer (4): 3
3. Anne and David: Bryan V. (2), Robin(-1): 1
4. Shawn and Jessica: Michael V., Michael I.:0
5. Brandy and Julia: Eli: 0

Hot: Kevin, good cook, and seems like a good guy. Good guys tend not to do well on reality tv in general and this show in particular.

Strugg-El-Lean: Robin, lady I am rooting for you, but you have got to bring the product, tenacity, age, experience and "living in the moment" only gonna take you so far.

On Notice: Laurine, you should've gone this time, really, Cat Food-yikes.


  1. I LOVE the picture of Yukon Cornelius aka Kevin. Hysterical. No offense to Brandi and Julia but I HATE Eli. He is a miserable little troll with an inflated ego and a mean streak. Be gone now. Anne

  2. Great posting! But, I disagree with the comment that "good guys don't do well on this show." Its seems like all the winners are the ones who don't make enemies nor get into petty squabbles with other contestants. Look at the winners circle--Howard (mature), Ilan (whatever), Hung (kinda selfish, but focused), Stephanie (nice and humble) and Hosea (dork, but bland.) The Marcels of the show never seem to win. Jessica