Top Chef - Wine Pigs

Our episode begins as Michael V. doesn't want to talk about being on the bottom. Not only is Eli short, fat, wears glasses and is balding, but apparently he is also a virgin who lives with his mom. That way he doesn't "have to pay rent and shit" or talk to girls. Robin on the other hand does her yoga, and "lives in the moment".

On to the QUICKFIRE with Charlie Palmer, an American hero, who singlehandedly with his mustache saved American cuisine from fast food junk food culture abyss. So for the quickfire our heroes were to pair a dish with delicious gourmet Alexia Chips, available in the organic snack food isle at your local overpriced fancy pants grocery boutique.

Eli was the big winner, who paired delicious chips a clammy celery chowda.

ELIMINATION

Onto the Pig and Pinot Challenge. Knives were drawn to determine the cut of the pig. So lots of Butts, Shoulders, Cheeks, Bellies and Ribs to go around. Then it was off to the find the wine.

The cookster went to the spot with the wine angels at the Mandala. The wine angles are these ladies who travel up and down vertical wine cellar with ropes. This way one doesn't feel so bad about paying $100 for a $15 bottle of wine. I don't know how the order was devised but wines from New Zealand, France, Napa, Oregon, were selected but no Washington yah, wah, Kevin took the Oregon wine, saying he used to live in Portland, really dude, you could never tell.Laurine seemed a bit stumped from the onset, invoking the old Pork Industry slogan that pig is "the other white meat". Look lady, as a matter of fact it is not, it's a red blooded mammal, not some cold blooded chicken like some of your fellow cheftestants.

Then came the drama, back at the house. This is the first time since Maurcel got his hair cut way back in Season 2, that I can remember any drama at the house on this show. Usually it all takes place in the kitchen, stew room, or judges table. But Eli told Robin, what for and got all huffy when Robin gave him the ol "oh don't bother I cleaned this up". Eli went off and said "Your not my mom" because if you were I would move into your house and never ever leave. This left Robin all alone to say to the camera "I am glad I am not your mother because I would've raised you better". Somewhere Eli's mother is crying. Robin then gave my all time favorite reality show cliches "this is a competition I didn't come here to blah blah blah"

Off to the Pig and Pork feast which looked like it was held on an old pitch and putt course outside Vegas, but hey "it was the first event of the show, that wasn't just a challenge." They even had their own "Food & Wine" banner, the true sign of an "event". Kevin, aka Yukon Cornelius, was bound and determined to justify the pig he had tattooed on his ample arm. Mr. Palmer and his mustache was impressed. The other top cooksters were the Brothers Grim, and Jen-Cook-Bot 3000. Can we just pencil these four in now please?

On the bottom side was Ash, with his bland piece of meat, that even looked bland so you can imagine how it tasted. Robin who just can't get any love, even from people her own age. She didn't cut her pork thick enough, okay I'll say it "it wasn't porky enough" and Laurine who turned her cut of "the other white meat" into Fancy Feast, and any distinguished cat'll tell ya it is hard to pair Pinot with Friskies. But as I am sure Morris will atest Meow Mix has some flavor, something Ash's grub was severly lacking. So he was told to pack up and go. He said that he planned on inviting Mr. Mustache, Tom, and Toby but not Padma to his restraunt to try the dish he should've made. Ash has a personal thing against Padma (she's mean), and Toby expressed an appreciation for hairy armpits. No the limey has not grown on me. Where's Gail?...Gail!?

Standings:
1. Marni and Heath: Kevin (5), Laurine: 5
2. Josh and Heather: Jennifer (4): 3
3. Anne and David: Bryan V. (2), Robin(-1): 1
4. Shawn and Jessica: Michael V., Michael I.:0
5. Brandy and Julia: Eli: 0

Hot: Kevin, good cook, and seems like a good guy. Good guys tend not to do well on reality tv in general and this show in particular.

Strugg-El-Lean: Robin, lady I am rooting for you, but you have got to bring the product, tenacity, age, experience and "living in the moment" only gonna take you so far.

On Notice: Laurine, you should've gone this time, really, Cat Food-yikes.

Which Ash?

Alright kiddies, it has been so long since we have done one of these let’s do a recap on the scoring because it is ultimately so important to the final outcome (not at all).

A Quickfire Win is one (1) point.
An Elimination Win is three (3) points.
Being in the Elimination Top Three/Four or member of Winning Team in a “team challenge” before Judge’s Table is worth one (1) point.
Being in the Bottom Three/Four before Judges’ Table is minus one (-1) point.
And out is just out, no (0) points, just gone, any previous points won remain.

So on to the show. In this week’s quickfire the constestants had to spin a slot machine and get descriptions to make a dish. Apparently these descriptions are pull-down options on cookstr.com. I went to cookstr.com and look who greeted me on the homepage. Really, is there anything this lady or this show won't do to promote synergy. And speaking of Padma, how about the Jolly Green Giant look this week. What was that, certainly unflattering pants. I don't think Michael Corrs would think that "any modern woman would want to wear that". But he is on Lifetime now and really, what modern woman wants to watch that channel. Speaking of the other show which we were not doing this season because it was taped years and years ago, back when Lindsay (my girl) Lohan was still relevant. I was at the book store the other day and saw this little gem on the new hard back table. I had to take a look so I opened it up and saw the words "Fierce, Fabulous, and Hot Tyranny Mess" repeated over and over again from the top of the page to the bottom, for 250 pages. Oprah Book Club look out.

Anyhow for the Quickfire, which was won by Kevin, who cooked Vietnamese food after drawing Spicy, Hairy and Asian from the Top Chef SlotMachine of Death. What makes Kevin's victory that much more amazing is that previous to today. Kevin had never eaten or worked with Vietnamese food, and didn't even know that Vietnam was a country in the South Pacific, (sigh) oh youth. So Hurrah for him. He was given the option of $15K or immunity, and of course took the money, taking it he said "who do i look like Robin? gimme that chip"

For the Elimination Challenge where cookstrs were to prepare a dinner party at their house for the judges and celeb-Chefs who are involved with the Macy.com charity of feeding a million people a year. Apparently from their advertising they are starting by feeding Usher, the Trumpster (at the kid's table (ha! humor)), and Jessica Simpson on the floor of their department stores. And thank god, someone is doing the lord's work and helping that Jessica Simpson out. Between the breakup with Tony Romo, her sister's lip-synching trainwreck of a singing career, and that Dukes of Hazzard movie, that girl is lucky she hasn't starved to death already.

Each Cookstr got a bag of goodies from a celeb-Chefstr and teams were formed via knife block. Michael I. got Robin, whom he thinks talks too much, and isn't dying fast enough from Cancer. Ash got paired up with Michael V., who he thinks is just such a "talented chef", and "so tough and cool", and "good looking" that he could just eat 'im up. Kevin and the incredible cook-bot Jennifer were teamed together. Jennifer was faking a cold earlier, so that everyone would think that she was human and not a cyborg cook-bot from planet Spatula. This amazing team of man and machine won the elimination easily, with JenBot 3000 winning the big prize of $15K giftcard from Macy, that's gonna buy alot of B-U-M Equipment, Enjoy.

On the other end Michael V. got sent to the chopping block. Which prompted his brother Bryan to get (can you believe it?) even more uptight, when people started talking about Michael's dish. "Did you try his dish? No! Then Shut Up?" But the dye had already been cast as Eli and Ashely had been tossing pinches of salt into their gnocchi all night, and then under cooking the Spot Prawns, which everyone knows are the "most exquiste, delicate, precious, gorgeous, and perfect ingredient on this or any other planet." And these two basically undercooked them so poorly, that they might as well have shoved them under thier armpits for half an hour and then put them on a plate with their salty gnocchi. So sadly Ashley was told to pack up her knives, load up that dark horse of hers and ride it back to Seattle's Branzino. Looks likes she's there already.

Standings:
1. Marni and Heath: Kevin (2), Laurine(1): 3
2. Josh and Heather: Jennifer (3), Ash (-1): 2
3. Anne and David: Bryan V. (1), Robin: 1
4. Shawn and Jessica: Michael V. (-1), Michael I.:-1
5. Brandy and Julia: Eli (-1): -1

Hot: Kevin, such as much the lead-pipe cinch as Richard Blais, and Bald Stefan, and things worked out so good for them.

Strugg-El-Lean: Eli, could of and maybe should of gone home this one. Something tells me you were only kept around to "make good television" because you love cancer and hate puppies.

On Notice: Ash, here's some advice when you are participating in a contest with completely subjective judges don't go telling them that you're not as good as the next guy, no matter "how awesome" you think he is.

Top Chef - Las Vegas - Draft

Alright kiddies it is time for Top Cookie –Las Vegas. I tried to mess it up but pulled it together at the last moment. The draft order was arranged by our friends at Research Randomizer (Randomizer.com) the place to go for all your research randomization needs.

We will be drafting in traditional fantasy draft serpentine order (1-5, 5-1).
Top Pick went to Anne and David, Two to Marni and Heath, Three: Josh and Heather, Four: Shawn and Jessica and Five: Brandy and Julia.
So let the drafting begin:
1. Anne and David: Bryan V.
2. Marni and Heath: Kevin
3. Josh and Heather: Jennifer
4. Shawn and Jessica: Michael V.
5. Brandy and Julia: Ashley
6. Brandy and Julia: Eli
7. Shawn and Jessica: Michael I.
8. Josh and Heather: Ash
9. Marni and Heath: Laurine
10. Anne and David: Robin

Fun Fact : Kevin (Beard Award Winner and Wearer) was the number one on everyone’s list except Anne’s. So he slips to number two overall.

So the teams are:
Anne and David: Bryan V., Robin
Marni and Heath: Kevin, Laurine
Josh and Heather: Jennifer, Ash
Shawn and Jessica: Michael V., Michael I.
Brandy and Julia: Ashley, Eli
Best of luck to all.


So to recap the season so far. This season’s cheftestants are heavy on cooking chops but light on personality, and if they do have personality it tends to be bad. Eli who looks like the missing member of Death Cab for Flabby, likes to hate on people with cancer – nice one dude. Ashley, the Uptight-Seattle-Dyke nearly hyperventilated when she had to participate in the marriage challenge. Politics were conveniently missing from all when the top-cookies had to serve up some hash for the USAF Thunderbirds Flight team the following episode. Jennifer really shined in this episode as she transformed to the into the amazing unfeeling humanoid, expediting executive chef-bot. Michael I. is just the kind of arrogant east coast a-hole, that this show loves and the profession seems to attract, kind of like roaches to the five star kitchen on county health inspection day. The Voltaggio Bros. are great cookies, but boring as can be. There is the older uptight one Bryan, and the younger rebel Michael, (you know he is rebel because he has tattoos), sure he has real edgy stuff on the iPod, like Seether and Nickelback. You know he’s alternative. So Captain Ron got tossed overboard last episode, because he couldn’t deconstruct a paella. Which brings the question what sort of places over deconstructed dishes, and if you were at a place and it was offered would you order one? Because if there is anything I love it is paying a lot of money for a large plate with little food on it, that I have to put together myself.

Hot: Kevin, Beardy winning a lot, and avoid any stray facial hairs in his food. He really is talented.

Strugg-el-lean: Ash, this guy still here. I hardly noticed.

On Notice: Robin, chick has got a target on her ass. But she can toss a simply salad and make an apple crisp with the best of them.